The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
New menu item
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions