I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
goldfish mafia
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus