90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My circle of trust is a meatball
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Bring back the McRib
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.