I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I hate everything
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Yup.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭