yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
✌🏽
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.