GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore