As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
They’re the worst 😩
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.