*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check