If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My favorite farside!!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.