Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
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[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
japanese corn
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.