*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”