You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My dating profile:
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.