Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
happy mother’s day❤️
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM