I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*