If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
You Might Also Like
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Spider-cat: No One Home
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”