I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I’ve been drinking.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.