ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
rapatouille
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.