if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
One venti cheeseburger please.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.