Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
this isn’t threatening at all
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.