3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Breaking news:
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.