[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since