It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The Backseat Boys
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
the dark web is just a goth google.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird