I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Practicing safe sax
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century