If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“no gods no masters” = leo
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement