doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5