Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on