THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
You Might Also Like
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target