it be like that
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑