My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The fall of Netflix
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.