Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don鈥檛 feel so bad anymore.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
You don鈥檛 scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Stop it! 馃槀
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is