Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
japanese corn
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too