[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Seems kinda suspicious
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Jesus Christ lmao
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.