JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Something Saturday.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know