If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
True statement👍😏😁
こいつ天才
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment