My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”