my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds