and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*jingles half the way*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?