“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?