Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Practicing safe sax
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*