You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
You are not alone 💚
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
found this cool rock hiking today
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.