Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I found your tweet-up…
Strangers have the best candy.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME