Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Husband of the year 😂
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
sugar glider wrangler
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.