Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.