We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.