I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Always.
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
😅🤣😂
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory