[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My dating profile:
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
who did the taste test?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
kitchen magnet
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?