Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.