The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me driving through Toronto
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.