Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”