Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
こいつ天才
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.